portrait of a real life addict

"I wish I knew how to quit you"

Like many people out there, I have a routine for things. When I get home from work, I walk into my room, I throw my crap down, and I turn on the tv, open my laptop and make the rounds of my usual websites (which are sadly not in the slightest bit exciting or informative).

You've no doubt had some form of contact with those new facebook games that are out there. Someone's definitely asked you to be their farm neighbor, send them a bagel with lox, or shear their sheep. I am probably that person. Ok wait, I take it back... I am still somewhat living in reality, as I NEVER send any of these things to people who don't participate and I'm far too embarrassed to post these things to my live feed. I'm like a junkie, in some ways. I only talk about these things in certain company, I sneak on at work when things are slow to tend my crops, I make sure the timing is right when I plant something, and maybe (I said maybe) I've spent a rouge dollar or two so I can upgrade to some better shit.

It started with a certain farming game. One of my cousins had a funny post up about how she had to harvest her crops "what crops? I'm from Brooklyn!" (trust me, her original post was much funnier) and so I decided to give it a try. Eventually, that wasn't enough. While I was waiting for my crops, I decided to start cooking things. When both of those couldn't keep me entertained, I decided to start digging for gold. (I have to make note: this is the one game that has not stuck. Most of the people who play one of said mentioned games play the other, but NO ONE was playing this game. That's a sign. Wow, I really need help.) During this time, things were calm.

I'd check my sites from the work computer before I went home at night. Then I started checking mid-shift if nothing was going on. Slowly I evolved to checking at friend's houses when hanging out and nothing was going on. Eventually, I couldn't put down my laptop until everything was harvested, cooked, prepped, and whatever. Sure, I still live a normal life, I just started thinking a little too hard about this, strategically. "Ok... I get out of work around 8. It's 2 now. I have to pick something that takes longer than 6 hours to cook". I'm disgusting myself even writing this. Whoever created all these games (ok, I'll admit, I know it... it's Zyenga) had a sucker like me in mind. As if I don't have enough working against me.

It's even dragged into conversations now. My latest venture into prairie life somehow worked itself into the following conversation/discourse with my friend Lindsey (hay hay!), which became immediate proof that I need a serious intervention.

i cant get married in my new game until i get my general store built but no one wants to send me the parts :(

you do realize how hilarious that sounds, right?

yes and no. i am so sucked into these lameo games that it almost comes out without flinching. then a part of me says "you live in 2010.... you're not from the prairie... if you really saw cows and chickens youd probably be grossed out by the smell... so what is the appeal here?"

also, on what planet can you not get married until you build a general store? what kind of man only wants you once you've got a general store on your property? and who the hell has a big enough piece of land to accomidate that? assume general stores even still were all the rage and not just a place where you go to buy candy sticks when youre visiting colonial williamsburg or some shit

people could just take whatever they wanted back then because who the hell was going to stop you? no one! the worst thing that could happen was oh no a buffalo is on this land... guess we've got to move down a couple hundred feet to build the log cabin and general store and farm on land no one cares about

thats why we're so fucked up as americans... because years and years ago people just took and did whatever the hell they wanted and now we're locked in that mindset. years and years ago someone really wanted to get married so they just mosied on over to that plot of empty land, built that general store and then their husband rode on in from the sunset

NIC, SAVING AMERICA THROUGH FACEBOOK GAMES.

Yes, I realize all of that probably makes me sound like a huge tool and is more than likely not even remotely accurate (I may have read too much Laura Ingalls Wilder as a kid) but where did that come from?! Is that what this shit does to you? Provokes discourse by hitting sensitive areas for single 27 year old women who can't get married without a general store?! If only life were THAT easy.

The point being, somehow these ridiculous games are like crack for me and I just don't know why. I'm losing all sense of brain power the longer I play them. I'm from the city for chrissakes and it's not like I'm even learning how to farm or how to live in the middle of a field. I'm not getting tips on actual gardening or farming. I'm pretty sure we all know dig, plant, water, harvest. That's it! I'm finished! I'm going to go pick up a book and regain my life back!

....right after I water my clover.